Friday, February 10, 2012

how do you be compassionate with yourself when all you want to do is rip your eyebrows off?

i've spent so many years doing work to love and understand my survivor body | my fat body | my trans & genderqueer body | my aging body | my sober body | my gimped ache-filled body, working to turn down the volume during pain flares and pump it up during the rest of the time | to love my cunt in a cunt-hating world | and to love my tits | love my stretchmarks | even love this bald head of mine | love the complex shit that makes it hard to love freely sometimes, that i've lost sight of taking care to love my whole, complete, integrated body, the whole thing, as one big package, all at the same time. i want to know what that feels like. i'm trying.

A friend suggested to me tonight that --given the time and energy and passion i give to other things in my life-- i might need to ask different questions of myself; suggested that instead of judging myself for the things i'm not able to or am not doing, that i instead ask "what is the most self-loving thing i can do right now?", and i broke down crying. (cue Kinnie Starr lyrics from Soar that've been stuck in my head since, like, 8 or 9 years: Forsake the answer, rename the question, what lies deep enough not to be mentioned, should be brought to the top to be spoken")

Clearly, there's more work to be done. But i'm gonna try to think of it not as work, as drudgery, as a desperate need because i once again am in fucking agony right now, but rather as coming from a place of love, forgiveness, compassion.

i wonder: what will it feel like to truly love myself --and not simply these bitesize portions which used to feel like enough-- in words and actions?

What do you do when you want to feel integrated and in touch with and compassionate and loving and responsive and accountable to a body that is consistently being an asshole to you?

i suppose i'm going to keep trying to come back to "what is the most self-loving thing i can do right now?"


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