Monday, September 6, 2010

How can fatties be at peace in this world if/when we be at peace on the backs of other fatties?

That's what i want.

i don't need nor am i interested in Health At Every Size. As a disabled person who is identified daily by sighted folks as disabled i will never have that. And i refuse to get solidarity for myself on the backs of other disabled folks, or on the backs of other fatties who do not tow the "healthy" line. i mean, i don't tow that line, but generally i can get away with a certain level of shit because i am considered to be a "smaller" fatty. Do you know what i mean? i mean that i often have some wiggle room as a smaller fatty, a little more freedom, a little less staring when i eat in public (depending on what i'm eating and how excited i am about that), a little less judgment, etc than many of my bigger friends face, certainly when they and i are together and people can compare us (eg "they're both disgusting, but at least he's[sic] not THAT fat!"). This affords me time and space to do and be in ways that some of my friends and lovers and comrades simply cant take for granted. i know this, i understand it. i fight against giving in to it. i refuse to allow it to bring other fatties down because it is apparently somehow useful as a tool to elevate me.

i am also not interested in Fat Acceptance. i dont want to be accepted, or tolerated. i want to be respected, i want to be understood, i want to be left the fuck alone. i want to be celebrated and crooned over and smothered in kisses; on and on til i forget what it was ever like to be spit on, to be yelled at from passing cars, to be sneered and gawked at, to have every fucking thing that ever went wrong with my body attributed to my fat (and yes, even as a smaller fatty and as someone who others now perceive to be a dude, all of this is what i get, particularly living in one of the most fatphobic cities on the north american continent). i want to be covered, and when or if i'm so covered in kisses that i can forget that feeling of shame and hurt and embarrassment and anger even for a moment, i will remember that this shit is all contextual, and that in 5 minutes i'll get it again, and i will remember that other people in my life are still and always feeling it, and i will smother them with kisses (literal and/or figurative, as they may desire) and i will respect, understand, respect desires for solitude, celebrate and croon the fuck over them.

How can fatties be at peace in this world if/when we be at peace on the backs of other fatties? How can we look ourselves in the mirror, or imagine ourselves in our hearts, when we are so busy gawking at other fatties? At finger-pointing, at comparing, at judging, at disrespecting each other? How can you know in your heart that i wish to be in solidarity with you when and if my behaviour tells you something else? How can you know (and how can it be so) the depth of my love and respect when and if i prove myself over and over to throw you under the bus every time it gets overheated?

The only way i can be in true solidarity with you, and you with me, is to honour, listen, act, with dignity, respect, compassion, humility, to shut the fuck up, to leave alone, to show up, and yes to smother with kisses (literal and/or figurative) when desired, and to move forward together. That's what i commit to, every day, and that is why this fatty doesn't "accept" you and doesn't want you to "accept" me; doesn't want "health" at every size; but instead understands in the deepest corners of this cavernous heart that you, me, us, we, are fucking perfect in every way possible, precisely because you are, not because of what you can prove to me, not because of what you could be, not because of how well you fit into fatphobic framing of what a worthwhile existence should be, but because you are, right now, you, we, us. 

There is something incredibly powerful about you, we, us, no?


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