super tangible interdependency

So this is what happened tonight: i was out scooting about the neighbourhood tonight wearing my battery down so i could get a nice full charge overnight, when the whole thing went kaput. Slammed (and i do mean slammed, there was nothing graceful about it at all) to a stop and no power. In the middle of the street. On a steep hill. 20 blocks from home. (i was hoping to all fuck that it was the battery and not the motor, and the former seems to be the case, fingers crossed, thank fuck). *UPDATE: its still not working, even after a full charge :( Dont know what im gonna do. *UPDATEUPDATE lol: its working! apparently i blew a charge (?) and just needed to press the reset button under the seat thing. Whoosh.

Now, at another time in my life, this wouldn't have freaked me out. i'd have just taken my time and crutches and walked home. But that reality is no more for me. i can't just get up and walk 20 blocks. i felt stuck. And scared. And worn out. And like i was gonna cry in the street. i just sat there and said to myself "well what the fuck am i supposed to do now??"
 
After a few moments i decided i at least needed to get out of the street because i had no lights. So i released the, well, release-y thing, and got it up on the sidewalk. And sat some more. Tried the key again. Nuthin'. i took it real slow and inched down half the hill to an intersection and figured i'd just have to wind my way home somehow, and hope to fuck i don't lose control on a downhill. Not cool. (Note: these fucking things should have hand brakes on them for times like this.)

So im sitting there in the dark, when these folks come by on bicycles and ask if im ok and do i need any help. i let them know what happened and where i was trying to get to, and one of them locked their bike up, and pushed me all the way home. This chair weighs about 140lbs + me at another 230lbs, so this dude pushes 370lbs for 20 blocks, down some steep hills which he has to completely control me so i dont go flying, then a couple inclines and a rocky alley. Didnt even hesitate. 

He and his partner just moved here 5 months ago, and are exploring the neighbourhood. When he asked me what i'd gotten up to today, before i knew what i was saying, i said id been at the Vancouver Queer Film Fest. Inside, i was like "why the fuck did you say that!!!! You dont know this dude!! What if he freaks out??" and so forth. But he didnt. He was totally chill, totally sweet, asked me some questions about it, told me what he'd been up to today.

Also, this all has me thinking again in a different way about privilege: skin privilege (if i wasn't white, would people even stop?), gender-passing privilege (if people perceived me as the trans person i am, would they stop to help?), presumed-male privilege (if i was perceived as a woman, how safe could i ever assume it to be to have a strange man push me home, physically vulnerable?), class-based passing privilege (if i "looked poor", how many people would stop to help me if i was in the street like that?), and so on, and how these things intersect with ones ability to do those things, to even receive assistance, to take chances, etc.

Yeah, that whole interdependency thing (which includes among other things suspending disbelief, putting yourself out there, trusting-while-also-trusting-your-gut ---which needs to be filtered through the last paragraph)? Totally need it in my life. Riding this chair, im learning that more every day.

<3

touching me

So i briefly mentioned this in my last post, but this thing keeps happening more and more, and now especially since i started using the scooter: people touch me without my consent. 

It's been a common theme since i started being perceived as a dude more, and increases depending on what i'm using to get around. When i had just my crutches, people would touch me. On the bus, in a cafe, walking down the street, you name it. 

Now, in the scooter, people do it even more. i noticed today while i was out n about, that people non-consentually touched me at least 5 times that i counted and particularly noticed. Strangers touched me. Super casual acquaintances who'd never touched me before touched me. They touched me and they touched my scooter. One man stroked the arm of my scooter, and tried to lead me. 

No invitation, no connection = non-consentual.

Also, people used to ask me more if i wanted "help"; now, they just don't even bother asking, they just go ahead and do it, and don't look me in the eyes while they do it. Even if their "help" actually makes things worse/ harder for me, like it did on a couple occasions today. Or they don't even bother "helping" at all. Less perceived, more perceived, less perceived, who can say?
 

Seems to me this is about a declining kind of visibility on one hand (my perceived worth and ability as a person based in able-bodied notions has gone down another notch), and an increasing kind of visibility (as even more of a gimp, and as extra not meeting those able-bodied standards of worth, even more in apparent need of able-bodied "help", and also in need of less consent-giving than before).

Interesting.

i'll be keeping my feelers out on this one. Have you experienced a notable shift in how people treat you in terms of consent over what happens to your body? How have you handled it? i'd love to hear some tips!


Also, just an added note: if you didn't touch me before i used the scooter, don't start touching me now unless we have that kind of connection, ok? Ask me first! Consent and all that! Thanks :)

Adventures in Scootin'

So i want to tell you a little about this scooter situation.

[photo: a tattooed white-skinned bearish person with glasses wearing a black cap, tshirt, overalls and boots, sitting with hands up to their face on a bright blue Ranger scooter with a black basket in front and forearm crutches on the back. Parked on the sidewalk, there are trees and other greenery in the background]

It’s amazing, and i am so fortunate that my good friend passed this along to me to get fixed up and use as i please. i'd have never been able to afford to buy one on my income, and this used one is a brand that's sturdy, simple design, and has quick n easy maintenance. That’s some gimp solidarity right there. 

i knew it would be a big deal for me, but it’s only been a few days, and it has already changed my life. Like, i’m trying to find words for it, but it’s hard.

i’ll be real honest with you: i’m scared. Scared about what’s happening to my body; scared of being more reliant on something other than my body; scared of relying on more technology; of relying on electricity; scared of how people look at me differently; and how they touch me differently; how they touch me at all, when that hasn’t been our connection. Of how they do and don’t see me. Scared of being down here when i used to be up there; of not having as much eye contact. Scared of how vulnerable i feel. Scared of how friends will feel about me, how my gimp friends will feel about me based in their own experiences. Scared of hurling myself off another curb (have already done it once, and it doesn't feel good at all), but without any help. Scared of my body slowing down, of not exercising my muscles as much. Scared of what that could mean in terms of body pain. i live with a degenerative disease, and i’m scared of how using a scooter could most likely exacerbate that over time.

And i’m also unsure about a lot of the above, have many mixed feelings about it all. There’s a lot to process here. Like there was when i first began using a cane, how when i briefly used a wheelchair people were so fucking rude and weird to me, how i then switched to a forearm crutch, then two, then back to one periodically, then two, and now this. All the reactions, the social changes, the body changes. It’s so much.

But for right now, mixed in with all these questions and uncertainties and scary shit, there is this: 

freedom. i feel right now a freedom i haven’t felt in i don’t even know how long. i’ve been able to explore my neighbourhood in ways i just haven’t been in so long. And that’s important to me, the taking slow (or rabbit speed!) meanders through the neighbourhood and not being completely worn out by the end of it; feeling the wind in my (forearm!) hair. Also, feeling more vulnerable in some ways and less vulnerable in others. i just can’t even accurately describe this feeling. Maybe i don’t need to. But there it is.

Going on a scooting adventure with a friend who’s also on wheels was like another dimension to an already fabulous friendship, a new experience, a new appreciation (for the sometimes really fucked up realities of wheeled life and for the beauty and groseness of this city).

i just....yeah. So many thoughts right now. i’m going to be processing this stuff for awhile, and it won’t all be excitement and a huge grin on my face as i swish down the street with a coffee. But i hope you can read about some of it, and gain some new understanding, or find some solidarity or commonality in what i write about it, while i gain some new perspectives on what you put out there too.

Interdependency, who knew?

xox

Rhizome Cafe Access Audit

Rhizome Cafe Accessibilities Audit Overview
http://rhizomecafe.ca/
317 East Broadway, Vancouver, (604)872-3166
Google Map of Rhizome

Link to The Full Audit Completed June 2011

The folks at Rhizome say it best in their own words:  

“Rhizome is a friendly, diverse neighbourhood café that serves healthy, fresh food; organic, fairly traded coffee; and offers a fully licensed bar. We support social justice struggles by hosting events in collaboration with community groups that are working toward a more just, sustainable world for all. We encourage dialogue and mutual learning by making our Community Meeting Room available for meetings and workshops. We build community by providing people with a space to socialize and share information and resources. We help marginalized voices be heard, and highlight visual and performing arts that help us achieve a better understanding of our communities and our world.”

Rhizome is located in the Mount Pleasant neighbourhood, close to Main and Broadway, and is a queer-and-trans-friendly, kid friendly, creative and welcoming community space. Located next to shopping, pharmacies, cafes, restaurants and accessible transit, Rhizome is a convenient hub for gathering.

The main space of Rhizome is wheelchair accessible. There is an automatic door which is in need of repair as of this audit in June 2011. Upon entering, you’ll find a community room to your right, which can be closed off for meetings. Seating throughout the space includes benches along the wall, tables and chairs, a couch and some lounge seating. The kitchen, bar and counter are at the back.

Also at the back are the washrooms, both of which are on the same floor as the rest of the space. Neither can fit most people using a wheelchair or scooter, though the larger of the two may be accessible to some folks using smaller wheelchairs, or who can get up and leave their chair in the hall. There are ongoing discussions about how to increase the access to the washroom. Stay tuned for updates, and/or let Rhizome know your thoughts. In the meantime, the only solution for some folks is to go next door to the wheelchair accessible washroom at the Starbucks (audit of washroom to come), or another few doors down to the washroom at Our Town Coffee (audit to come). Please note that there are no tampon dispensers, sharps containers or scent free soaps provided at Rhizome (event organizers may provide scent free soaps, please check with them), so please come prepared!

All staff are able to assist in bringing food and beverage to tables, and are really open about making space for folks and keeping an aisle clear during packed events. If you’re hoping to get a seat at a well-attended event, you’ll definitely want to get there early, because Rhizome fills up really fast.

Please note that there is not currently a scent-reduced policy in place at Rhizome, though specific events will have their own policies. Refer to these resources if you’d like to learn more about how you can help create a safer environment for folks with Multiple Chemical Sensitivities:
A FAQ on MCS and being scent-free
http://www.peggymunson.com/mcs/fragrancefree.html
On making your event scent-free or scent-reduced:
http://dualpowerproductions.com/2011/03/26/organizing-a-fragrance-free-event/
On products you can use to reduce your use of scents:
http://eastbaymeditation.org/accessibility/scentfree.html

There is free parking on the surrounding streets, bike lockups outside (these used to be right outside, but are now located about 100 feet down the road), and accessible transit right out front.

If you have any questions, concerns, additions or kudos regarding this accessibility audit, please email me at: rampvancouver@gmail.com

An Invitation

Wow, this month has been a really busy one in accessibility audit land. 7 this month alone, and more to come. This is a good thing, because it means more folks are open to exploring some different ideas about accessibilities, and getting more clarity on where they and their spaces are at, and that translates into increased accessibilities. 

i'd like to extend an invitation to you. If you've had an audit done by me at any time, i'd love to hear feedback about the process. How was it for you? Are there things i can be doing differently? Ways to help it feel more collaborative? Less collaborative? Are there pieces of it you're not feeling so clear on? More followup? Do you need more information? Do you have thoughts about other items to bring to the table? Did the process feel good to you? How might i improve any part of it?

 i'd love to hear all kinds of feedback, and am totally open to talk more about it in an environment that feels good to you. i don't just want to come to a space, audit it, provide feedback and leave it at that if you have more you'd like from it.

So please, let me know your thoughts!

rampvancouver@gmail.com

Service Dog Dreams Become a Nightmare

http://www.universalsubtitles.org/en/videos/5rP2CH89fhoQ/info/

"I began what was supposed to be my three week “Service Dog Boot Camp” with Arizona Goldens, LLC. Unfortunately, less than six days into it, Arizona Goldens abruptly terminated my boot camp.  It’s all over.  This was entirely their decision and I do not agree with it. 

I do not get my service dog and Arizona Goldens will be keeping the entire $20,990 that all you wonderful people gave to them for the specific purpose of providing me with a suitable service dog."

This is an absolutely outrageous (though likely not a singular) travesty and i believe a blatant abuse of the trust and hard work and money that Amber and friends and family put into this. Please, watch the video, go to the website and learn more, and pass it along. This should never happen to anyone again!

Read more at Amber's website: http://dogdreamteam.genericjournal.com/post/100090

YouthCO HIV and Hep C Community Outreach & The All-Genders Wellness Centre

I conducted this audit on June 1st, 2011, to benefit the All-Genders Wellness Centre All-Genders Wellness Centre, YouthCO, and others who use the space.

The space is located in the heart of downtown "Vancouver", and is easily accessed by many wheelchair accessible buses, as well as skytrain.

 

Overall, YouthCo and the All Genders Wellness Centre will be accessible to many folks with varying accessibility needs.

There is elevator access, a wheelchair accessible, gender neutral washroom, a variety of sturdy seating, and options for moving things around a bit to accommodate particular needs as they arise. It is spacious, inviting, and staff are open to dialogue about making the space even more accessible.

A few things need tweaking, like lowering the sharps container and mirror in the WC access bathroom, letting folks know that different rooms can be used to  accommodate larger scooters, for example, creating more standard signage, and clarifying the sign language interpretation capabilities, for example. Creating a scent-reduced policy for certain events like the All Genders Wellness Centre would definitely be advisable. As well, increasing resources available for trans women will create an environment for the Wellness Centre which includes more of our communities.

If would like to contact me with any questions, comments, concerns, or additional feedback on the space, please e-mail me at:  rampvancouver@gmail.com

Please consider passing along this information, on YouthCO, The All-Genders Wellness Centre, and the accessibilities audit. The more folks who can access these essential resources, the better!

Here is my google document audit. Anyone with the link can view it, but only i can edit it. If you'd like to add something i've missed, please message me!

Here is a map of the area.

 

YouthCO was founded in 1994, and "is Canada's first youth-driven organization leading the HIV and HepC movement through peer education, support, and shared leadership. We provide peer-led prevention education programs in highschools, post secondary institutions, youth detention centres, drop-in facilities, Aboriginal communities, and at community events. In our engaging and participatory workshops, our facilitators lead discussions about HIV/AIDS, Hep C, safer sex, self-esteem, durg use, risk reduction, and healthy relationships. YouthCO is a community of young people supporting each other in our efforts to prevent HIV and Hep C.

Our peer-support services for youth impacted by HIV and Hep C include a non-judgemental and confidential drop-in space, meal programs, computer access, dinners & retreats, mentorship and skills building opportunities, clinic accompaniments, advocacy, and street outreach. We see positive and often transformative changes occur in the lives of many of the youth who access these services."

The All-Genders Wellness Centre "aims to provide low-barrier wellness services to transgender and gender non-conforming people in a way that is respectful and celebratory of clients’ identity and self-expression. Our centre is volunteer run,  and all of our practitioners are volunteering their time, so that we can offer free services to people who need them, regardless of factors like citizenship, health insurance, or residential address."

Disabled man files human rights claim against police post G20

"A quadriplegic panhandler arrested during the G20 summit last summer was “dragged” from his wheelchair, thrown into a police cruiser and left on the floor of the Eastern Ave. jail, where he defecated on himself because guards refused to help him, according to a human rights claim filed Friday.

Gabriel Jacobs, 47, was released without charge before dawn on Monday, June 28, after spending two nights in the temporary G20 detention centre. His motorized wheelchair was returned to him after his roughly 30-hour detention; no other mobility support was provided inside the jail, according to the claim." 

Learn more about this story here. 

products for being more chemically sensitive

Hey folks, here is a very useful  (PARTIAL) LIST OF PRODUCTS FOR CHEMICALLY SENSITIVE PEOPLE AND THEIR ALLIES/FRIENDS .  Please check it out, and pass it along!

sex while gimped.

i love getting sexed the fuck up.

There, i said it. It's true.

Now, you may not know or experience this, but being a gimp, i'm in many ways expected not to be so into sex or considered sexy because gimps are so often de-sexualized [unless we're being hypersexualized, which happens too. And a bunch of other things collide when it comes to sex, some of which i wrote about then erased because i can't quite figure out how to tie it all together... perhaps another post.]
i'm expected to be grateful when sex appears in my life (because who would want to have sex with a gimp?) i'm often expected to say "yes" (because gimps can't be choosy, you know!) im expected to respond to able-bodied assumptions about my body, to weather able-bodied judgement about the kinds of sex i have and what value it has (because able-bodied folks are the default for every fucking thing). People look at me and imagine (and yes, sometimes actually verbalize to me and/or others) that i couldn't possibly have great sex, because they're using able-bodied frameworks to judge it, frameworks which specifically devalue/ignore gimp sex.

And why wouldn't they? Almost every single representation of sex out there is between presumed able-bodied folks. Even most few and far between representations of [people who are perceived by sighted folks as] disabled folks having sex make sure to cut out assistive devices, downplay the importance or impact of the disabilities in the lives of the folks involved, certainly don't talk about the details, or focus only on "overcoming" the disabilities.

This is not the framework in which i want to experience sex.
This is not the framework in which i seek connection. And this is not my reality.


i love sex, i love play. i love everything about it. i love the dirt, sweat, complexity, movement, tears, familiarity, sounds, stains, simplicity, cramps, awkwardness, abrasions, injuries, newness, i even love the minefield. i do. i love how deeply it challenges me, how it exposes all my doors, flings open moments (sometimes lifetimes) of hurt and twirls them into fine silk for resting our weary heads and hearts. i love it.
i love how it reminds me that i am here, now, sharing this body with others, being vulnerable, open, hot and curious, together, knowing something incredibly deep about each other, even if only for that moment. i love knowing that the people i'm with now truly perceive me, really get me. i love opening myself up to someone/s, pouring myself out onto their hands, curling up with them and making out like it's going out of style, fucking anywhere, getting my kink on, getting shitkicked, and being totally present for every part of it. When i'm having sex, i have experiences i've never had before, i'm in an energy feedback loop, and can do things i couldn't otherwise do. When i'm fucking, the sweat, the cum, the cramps and rest stops all make up this swirl of emotion and lust and gorgeousness, and it feels so fricken incredibly mindblowing, connected, sweet, dirty as fuck, liberating, confusing, regenerative, so many things. And it breaks my heart sometimes.

Does that sound like someone who needs able-bodied permission or direction to fuck with abandon?

No? That's because it's not. While i do have to navigate a seemingly endless sea of ableism and ableist assumptions when it comes to sex, i have sex on my own terms. It's not all magical rainbow-farting ponies and butterflies, and i'm ok with that. It's complicated sometimes, y'know? And i'm ok with that too. Everything's complicated, yeah? But better to be complicated than erased.

thought i'd already linked to this, but nope! so here you go:

a table of non-ableist alternatives to "crazy"

Raving Gimps

So i want to share an experience with you. One that shows me a real contrast between a mostly heterosexual event and the experiences i've had at most queer events, and how interesting it is to me to come to realizations about that in the context of being a queer gimp. Bear with a bear!

So, 4 years ago, at 35 years of age, i went to my first rave. They were never really on my radar, certainly not enough to go to one, but some friends who were very experienced with it invited me, so i felt safe going to my first one with them, and went for it. i went to another this weekend.

The rave was interesting. i certainly danced for many hours, which was just as shocking as it was the first time. The only thing that seems out of sorts is my left upper back that hurts like fuck, and that's i think because my crutches were at different lengths (gah!!! i really need to be more on top of that); but otherwise, excellent. i might talk more about the physical stuff in another post sometime, but for now i want to share something else.

One thing i find very interesting about the 2 raves i've been to, is that many people - about 80% of the time folks presenting as dudes - will come up to me and, in a totally non-condescending manner, tell me things like "i love that you're here", "i love what you're doing", "you're beautiful, man[sic]", "it's so good to see you here", and so on and so forth, shake my hand, pat on the back, "fist bump"(???), sometimes a lingering something else. Sometimes it felt kind of weird, like, where is this coming from? But anyways, interesting.

Now, don't get me wrong, i know clearly that there's the subtext of "you're disabled, and isn't it inspiring that you're here at this rave dancing!", otherwise, why would they come up and say such things when they're clearly(?) not doing that with others? But i gotta say, even for me, someone who is exceedingly sensitive to those kinds of vibes, it's never once felt like that, or felt like, yeah, i was totally just being condescended to, not fucked up at all. It's just interesting to me, and not something i'd ever experienced before. 

Those folks are totally just there for the music, the experience, and the people who've said anything to me seem to recognize me as someone who is also totally there for the music, the experience, and that i've (i suppose clearly due to having a disability that sighted folks can perceive?) "overcome" some kind of actually really intense societal pressure to stay at home instead of feeling it, but the music was that important to me that i just did it. 

And believe me, i have overcome that when i've gone to them. i was so worried the first time i went, like really worried. i thought people would gawk at me, make me feel like shit, thought *i* would make me feel like shit, thought i couldn't dance in ways that would be ok, thought i wouldn't be safe, physically or emotionally. Add to that being "too old", "too uncool", "too queer", with way "too big" tits, etc, and this was a perfect storm for me limping out of there like some no-one-will-dance-with-me-even-at-the-end-of-the-sock-hop tearjerker. Everything about it told me that i shouldn't go, but i was finally like "Fuck this shit. i'm going. And people can shut the fuck up, and i can leave if i need to".

But it was actually amazing. And i think it was amazing, in part, because (even though it felt really awkward at times, and even though some gimps would cut someone for saying those things) people were so fucking honest. Probably E has something to do with it lol. But i don't think that's all it is. i don't know how much was about some sort of "male[sic] bonding" or male[sic] privilege", i'm sure there are aspects of that. i think mostly they were expressing a sincere appreciation for someone coming out, despite whatever shit is going on, because of a deep love for the music, and that's something i can really understand on many levels. And not something i've ever experienced ANYWHERE.

People were also super respectful in their behaviour in terms of the space i needed to dance safely. People weren't slamming into me, elbowing me, pushing me, they could tell i was using the speakers as some support, they moved when i needed them to, there was a sort of dance that happened when folks needed by, that felt like it was about taking care, not being afraid to touch me, and i really super appreciated that.

Compare and contrast that with most times i've gone out to dance (or anywhere for that matter, but particularly dancing) in supposedly queer spaces? Not so cool. People do gawk, or they condescend flat out, or they run into me over and over and over again, even when i ask them not to, or they make like i don't. even. exist. Especially when i'm alone at an event or away from my friends (and i'm often away from folks because i usually need a wall to be against, need space for stability, need to take a breather and sit for awhile, etc). It's pretty overwhelming, and feels that much worse because i feel like as a queer i should be ok there, it should be better. But no. 
[And if anyone feels compelled in this moment to say something like "well, but if they knew you were queer (they did), or if they knew you were trans (they probably didnt), they'd be mean to you and that wouldnt happen in a queer space!" or "Well a least you wouldnt get queerbashed in a queer place" (not true) or "Well, being condescended to as a gimp is better than getting queerbashed" (also not true, and diminishes the very real experience of gimpbashing. Believe me. It hurts just as much.) please don't. It hurts me to go into queer spaces (when im actually able to access them that is) and be treated in ableist ways.]

It's just bizarre that it should feel so ok* in one space i wasn't expecting to, and not ok in another i really do expect to. But there it is. Stranger things have happened, and while i'm not going to make a regular habit of attending raves, i gotta say i was mightily impressed.

*And i also want to acknowledge that this is just one gimp's experience. If i was someone else, a different kind of gimp, i could have an entirely different experience, and all of this would be for naught. It's always contextual.

A Little Something Called "Ally Fatigue"

Hello lovelies!



i'd like to talk about something that i think has been percolating some time, something i'm going to call: "Ally* Fatigue".

What is this, you ask? i think it's this: folks who want to be in alliance with disabled folks (or any marginalized group of folks for sure, but im gonna keep it as focused as i can here) get down, overwhelmed, tired, of dealing with the constant realities of being "an ally" to disabled folks.

It makes sense to me, especially if you happen to be lucky enough to have a few outspoken gimps in yer life!

Some people want to acknowledge their support, love, respect and willingness to work in solidarity with people with disabilities, have lived with a disabled person/s forever, or are thrown into it when a lover, friend, family member becomes disabled, and so involve themselves to varying degrees in the issues being put forward by those disabled folks. Sometimes it can be as simple as reading posts we make about the issues, talking one on one, or it can be engaging in legal battles, marches, personal care, collaborative work, you name it; friendships, sexual relationships, families, workmates, whatever the relationship, there are ties that draw us to one another, and at some point we [hopefully!] recognize that we want each other to be happy and respected and not treated like trash, so we [hopefully!] work together on making that happen.


One thing i've noticed over the years of being around all the amazing non-disabled folks i've had the chance to hang with, is that sometimes it gets overwhelming for them, this "ally" thing. People get tired of hearing about the issues. They get saddened by it, and people usually want to avoid feeling sad. They also sometimes feel guilty about it, and their place in the over-arching systems of ableist oppression in which we live and they participate and benefit from. And people definitely try to avoid feeling guilty. i get that. i lolled around in guilt a long time without doing anything useful with it. i get it.

The problem is that, rather than use that guilt on a regular basis as a tool to turn into positive action and change, too many folks use it to defend stepping back from actual solidarity and alliance that has real meaning, and sometimes turn it into snarking about how mouthy or demanding or "unfair" gimps are being when we talk about this stuff.


So i'll use my mouthy self as an example. i've been writing about and otherwise sharing my perspectives on disability since the 90's, and especially so in the last decade or so. In that time, i've witnessed a lot of shit. i've watched well-meaning non-disabled folks freak out, break down, revise history, backpedal, and otherwise lose their shit when confronted with the sheer depth and breadth of this stuff. Some of them have yelled at me, chastised me, and "de-friended" (lol) me in various ways, because they couldn't cope. It's quite true that i've had a... shall we say... speckled history regarding how i talk about this stuff lol. We all come at it differently, and my particular perspectives (which also include anti-capitalist, anti-oppression stances on the anarchist end of things... which is particuarly tricky sometimes) can be hard to swallow, because they encompass more than simply talking about access, but actually doing soemthing about it (which can often be really fricken inconvenient for even the most well-intended ENabled person!), and are definitely not about placating ableism or well-meaning cluelessness. [You know, because people with disabilities are truly a diverse group, with equally diverse political viewpoints! Just like non-disabled folks!] But i keep talking about it, because it keeps informing my life, and i need the folks in my life to be on side with this, to the varying degrees they're able, or at least to not get in my and other disabled folks' way while we do it ourselves.


So i've seen variously able-bodied folks come and go in these discussions, these movements. And i want to acknowledge that it can be overwhelming, draining, saddening stuff; and that the sometimes difficult, personally and politically challenging conversations are a part of that.


But let me be entirely clear: those difficult conversations are NOT the reason able-bodied folks remove themselves from alliance with gimps. It is not the fault of gimps that non-gimps leave. And those conversations are not the reason for "Ally Fatigue"

The reason, quite simply, is ableism and access to able-bodied, ENabled privileges.

It truly is that simple, and yet it means there's even more work to do. If it was only about the "tone" of our dialogue, things would have changed a long time ago. If it was only about gimps being "nicer" or "fairer" or "more educational" or "less confrontational" etc [ever wonder why so many of us are pissed off instead of calling us out for it?], about how we talk about it, things would've changed dramatically ages ago. But it's not. It's about an entire system of oppression, and all the little ins and outs and difficulties and bullshit that brings.


So when recognizing you are tired, overwhelmed, sick of hearing about it, check yourself. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself for sure, but please don't take it out on gimps. Some tips:

• If you ever hear yourself saying any version of "if disabled people would just _________, i would be more inclined to support them!", please remember where that comes from, how you are able to access that level of control: able bodied, or ENabled, privilege.

• Take a break, come back when you can let this stuff go, and continue working together. You're super lucky to be able to walk away, because we can't. Don't abuse it.

• Allow us to have the spaces we need to be with each other [i.e. don't complain about how gimps are oppressing you by having caucus space etc]. It is so rare to have spaces where gimps can come together, you getting your knickers in a knot about it doesn't help. How about yuo offer resources on spaces instead?

• keep chill when a gimp in your life calls you on some ENabled shit [see it as the gift it is]. No really. You're lucky this person is taking the time out of their day, out of all the many opportunities for educating that have probably already happened that day, that you are the one we're talking with. It means we give a fuck that you understand how you've hurt us, and that means something.

• certainly don't allow yourself to be abused, but do learn to differentiate between what it means to be schooled on ableism as opposed to being abused. Being uncomfortable or embarrassed is not abuse. It's growth.

• continue to learn on your own [reading, conversation, however you do it, and don't expect gimps to answer all your questions, and don't get pissed when we soemtimes don't want to talk with you about it]. Many of us make a habit of talking about this stuff, sharing our experiences, opening ourselves up. That doesn't mean you have free-reign on our time. Don't take it for granted, and don't insist that the conversations happen on your schedule and with your rules in place.
  
• do learn more about what ableism is and how you actually do participate in it [no matter how many disabled friends you have]. It makes a difference when you come to me with a little understanding, that you've taken the time to learn some stuff, that you are invested in the conversations.
  
• remember that you do have power to change things both personally and politically, if you choose to use it. If enough people get together on something, pretty well anything can change. Don't underestimate your power, and don't underestimate the amouint of influence you have in your communities as an ENabled person.
•  
• don't get in the way of gimps trying to live our lives as we choose. Really. Don't do it. If you've nothing useful to add, don't add.
• don't think for a minute that you know what's best for us. You don't.
• don't speak for us unless we ask you to.

• bein in alliance with folks is fucking gnarly sometimes. It just is. It isn't all rainbows and kittens and brownie points. It's hard, challenging shit. It's sometimes the kind of thing that kicks you right in the ass, forces you to confront some pretty nasty things about yourself. It's about being honest. And you need to be able to do all of that to even begin to call yourself "in alliance" with me.
  
  

There are many more things, but you get the idea. Basically? Take responsibility for your own shit, apply to gimps the same or similar expectation of understanding or solidarity you would want for yourself. If you're queer and have ever been angry about the shit you face, apply that here. If you're trans and have ever been disheartened and frustrated by the shitty treatment you receive, use that understanding here. If you're fat and are sick and fucking tired of having to explain to people why you need spaces that accommodate and celebrate your body, apply that here. If you have ever sought a heart space with someone, ever wished for more kindness, more understanding, ever wishe=d that more of the folks who do not share an experience you live, apply that here.


Look, we are all angry, pissed, tired, raging, for one reason or another. We are also all celebrating, cooperating, changing the shit out of our conditions in this world. Recognize that there is so much you don't know as an ENabled person, be more forgiving when gimps want to talk about our experience. Or scream about it. Or just cry it the fuck out. Because that openness, that forgiveness, that willingness to help us hold (and access!) space or stay the fuck out of it is a huge part of what is going to get us better, to heal and release all of us from this fucked up ableist system. For my part, i offer you all of those things as often as i can in return.


In love and solidarity, through even [and especially] the rough shit,

me.


*i'm not going to go into my thoughts about people identifying themselves as allies here, as i've already gone off about it elsewhere lol. Perhaps another post is in order!

Background Noise and Defensiveness

So, i don't know if you experience this, but ableism and inaccessibilities are sort of background noise for me: there all the time, always informing me, always on my mind, always impacting my life; and then there are occasions when it really flares up, then returns to background noise. This week has been like that.

Several incidents of dealing with queer, trans, feminist groups and events that are totally inaccessible when i expected something else (sometimes because i'd been told they'd be different) and other incidents where claims of things being inclusive of "all bodies" falling way short of the mark.

i often find it hard (scary, saddening, vulnerable, exposing, frustrating, useless) to talk about the ableism and inaccessibilities of my communities, and a large part of that difficulty has to do with the defensiveness, no matter how i and others approach the topic. The defensiveness that assumes that being told your event is inaccessible and that that's not ok and how can we change it is somehow oppressive or mean or uncalled for. The defensiveness that says "instead of 'just complaining', why dont you DO something??!!". The defensiveness that says "why even bother? Someone will always complain!" The defensiveness that assumes i'm even talking about just your event when talking about this stuff, instead of a whole mess of incidents that week. The defensiveness that pulls out all the reasons why it's acceptable to hold inaccessible events yet say we're "all" welcome. The defensiveness of the ENabled.

People often say "maybe if people talked about their concerns more nicely/ less angrily/ etc then we would listen and things would change?"*. i cant even tell you how many times i've heard this. It's called tone policing, and communities all over have called it out for what it is: a derailing tactic**, an attempt to deflect the conversation back onto the person bringing up an issue instead of dealing with it directly and respectfully and effectively. It hasn't changed, it is still the #1 immediate response, no matter how kindly, how sweetly, how carefully the commentary is worded by the huge variety of folks who comment on ableism and inaccessibilities. And we are a hugely diverse group of people who talk about this stuff, with equally diverse methods of addressing it, and yet things so often remain the same. i can't help but imagine that it's about something else, like, i don't know, systematic, community-wide ableism perhaps?

It can only be about something more insidious than a perception of bad manners, when ENabled folks call inaccessibilities "inconvenient", "unfortunate", "regretful" or "oops!". It can only be about something more structural when ENabled folks insist that there must be better ways to deal with it (than how we're talking about it), and that until we find those ways or until we agree that ENabled folks know what's best, shit will stay the same. It must be about more than that when ENabled folks are running the conversation, no? 

The thing is? Gimps know. We know what we're talking about. We know what it means, we know what it costs, we know how it happens, we know how to navigate it, and we know how to detect [however well-meaning] bullshit when we encounter it. We know it because we live it, every single day.

We know that inaccessibilities are actually oppressive, not just inconvenient and unfortunate. We know that the language ["you calling me out on this is oppressive/ not ok!"] simply doesn't work in reverse [like, "reverse racism" or "reverse sexism" don't actually exist, for example]; we know that it's not some kind of hardship to have folks come to you and share their experiences and feelings around inaccessibilities, but that it's a gift. And we know that already-fucked-with people dont like to think of ourselves as capable of fucking over others, but we can & do, every day. The point is to be honest about it instead of treating folks as though they dont know wtf is up.


We know what we're talking about when it comes to this, and usually we're not out to fuck you over or shut you down or make you feel bad or defeated [and honestly? if you think YOU feel all those things about this, you truly need to check some privilege. Gimps are at the shit-end of the stick on this one, every single time].

So next time, instead of complaining about how gimps come to you with our concerns, how about you do some work on how you accept those concerns? How about you say "ok, i see what you're saying, can we talk? what can i do? how can we work together to change this? how can we sustain relationships with gimps so it's not this piecemeal haphazzard approach every time, only something we consider when we need you or when you insist on showing up? How can we create real community around this?".

Yeah. That sounds good to me? How about you?



* Here's the deal: When you refuse to participate [meaningfully or at all] in the collective work of creating and maintaining the kinds of relationships with disabled folks that could help ensure ongoing resource and info sharing, connections across differences, and increased community, you don't get to come to us complaining about how you think disabled folks are being "mean" or "unfair" or "angry" or "unreasonable" etc when we point out ableism. If you do the work, while it can be really challenging at times, it also has its benefits.



If it's worth it to you, you'll do it. If it's not, you won't. And we will be right back where we started with each other. And that seems an awful waste of time a energy to me. So let's do the work ok?



** i do have a problem with the "_____ For Dummies" language (specifically regarding the "dummies" part). It's unnecessarily ableist and pisses me off in general, and specifically when dealing with issues around ableism and inaccessibilities i am hesitant to include it. You decide.

"visible" and "invisible" disabilities

Today someone commented how "much harder it is to live with an invisible disability[sic]* than one people can see". 


Now, this kind of comment happens pretty regularly. And every time it makes me fucking cringe.


Here's why:


a) The ableist language surrounding "invisible" and "visible" disabilities squicks me. It presumes that the "viewer" is sighted, and that shit is boring and yes, ableist. That's why i use [sic]*, not because i don't think it's "real". And really? If we were coming at things from a non-sighted, from a blind point of view, everyone would have "invisible" disabilities. i happen to live with both so-called "invisible"and "visible" disabilities, and i just want to find more expansive ways of talking about this stuff, ways that do not centre sightedness etc. 


b) It's actually not easier. It's not easier to be seen by sighted folks as a gimp, to always be perceived as a gimp, to always have that on you no matter where you go. It's not easier to always be a literal fucking target, to be called really fucked up things because people can perceive you as disabled, and to have all of their shit dumped on you -physically, emotionally, verbally, sexually-- because you are what they perceive to be a problem. It's not easier, believe me. 
There are a whole host of things that folks with "visible" disabilities have to deal with that folks without generally do not, and there are things folks who don't have "invisible" disabilities don't necessarily deal with. So let's just knock it off with the "you have it easier" bullshit.


c) most importantly, how exactly does this unnecessary, ableist-based hierarchicalization help any of us? i mean how does it help us really? How does it get us closer to getting the services we require? Into the communities we have a right to be in? How does it help us feel welcome and lifted and understood? 
When disabled folks, however you define that, cut at each other's throats to get to the meager resources out there, to justify ourselves, to find ourselves in community with people, or for any other reason we do this to each other, we do the exact opposite, and we set up a situation where we can't even trust other gimps to do right by us. We set up hierarchies --based in completely ableist traditions-- to keep each other down. 


And that aint liberation.